When I was growing up in the 80's, one of things I most looked forward to on Sundays in the Fall and Winter -- besides the Niners kicking the shit out of whoever was unlucky enough to be playing them that day, of course -- was a feature which ran exclusively during the later (1 pm Pacific) AFC games on NBC. While I usually wasn't all that into whatever game they were airing -- usually an AFC duel -- I knew that at some point in the 4th quarter they would cut to commercial and I'd hear the legendary Harry Kalas (although, for the record, I prefer my Kalas shaved) utter those four magic words: "Alcoa Presents... 'FANtastic Finishes'." This would be followed by highlights of some unbelievable ending to a game from a few years earlier. It was like history class for sports nerds like myself, and I made sure I never missed it.
(I'd love to embed a video here to enlighten those who were too young to enjoy "Fantastic Finishes", and for nostalgia purposes for those who do remember, but a Google video search actually comes up empty. Sure, there are a few mentions around the web, but no videos?! How could you desert me now, when I need you most, YouTube?! I thought you cared about me.)
So, why do I mention this now, you ask? Because there were a bunch of great finishes in the NFL this weekend, you jackass! In fact, there was a record five (5) games this weekend decided by a score in the final 10 seconds of the game. Two of these involved upsets of high-and-mighty NFC East teams. And with the Giants getting upset in Cleveland on Monday Night, the most powerful and hyped of all the divisions were swept! Wait, they weren't? The Eagles won? But they were down 9 in the 4th quarter on the road! How the hell did this happen?!
Glad you asked, imaginary reader.
Mike Nolan happened. He always does, doesn't he Niner fans? Yes, the king of bad clock management, questionable 4th down decisions, and unbelievably bad replay challenges was at it again on Sunday. This time, however, he decided to concentrate his entire focus on blowing the game solely through use of the replay system. In fact, he pulled off a kind of triple crown of bad replay usage -- the non-review of an obvious bad call, a review of an obvious good call, and (in it's NFL debut) a replay of a missed field goal, which wasn't even actually reviewable (not that it stopped him from throwing away a challenge, mind you). Let's start at the top:
THE BAD CALL
The Niners led 3-0 as the Eagles drove the ball into their territory. On a 3rd and 3, the Niners had a chance to hold Philly to a FG with a stop before Donovan McNabb hit Hank Baskett (who, by the way, is reportedly engaged to Kendra Wilkinson of "Girls Next Door" fame -- but can't go public or risk losing her part on the show) for a first down. Only a quick replay by FOX clearly showed the ball came loose when Baskett hit the ground and should've been ruled "no catch".
FOX analyst Brian "Bent Pinky" Baldinger correctly said that Nolan should challenge the call. Then FOX showed another replay, making the case for a challenge even more obvious. Still, no red flag from Nolan. Baldinger continued to insist the Niners had to challenge the call as McNabb led his team up to the line so slowly, I could've sworn it was the end of Super Bowl XXXIX, and Donovan was getting ready to blow chucks. But Nolan never challenged, the play counted, and the Eagles scored an important TD on the drive.
According to Matt Maiocco, 15 seconds passed from the showing of the replay on TV, and the next snap, yet Nolan contended not only that he "didn't have time" to throw the flag (he says he found out it wasn't catch after the next snap), but that his system for evaluating replay challenges works just fine. Sorry, Mike, but at least one of those statements is false.
THE GOOD CALL
Having realized he screwed up the previous play by not challenging, Nolan next did what he always seems to -- overcompensates by taking the next available opportunity to do what he should've done earlier -- even if it's not a good time. Nolan has made a habit of knee-jerk reactions like this ("What, you think I don't go for it on 4th down enough? Okay, fine, I'll go for it on the next one no matter how inappropriate it is under those specific game conditions"). So the next time a semi-questionable play occurred, out came the hanky. Only this time, it was on a clearly good catch by DeSean Jackson along the sidelines. Jackson not only got two feet down, it may have even been three.
So why the challenge? Nolan claimed he "wanted to see if he (Jackson) was bobbling the ball before he went out. Not that he was bobbling according to the replay (the only thing that matters since that's the criteria by which the play is reviewed), not even that he thought he was bobbling, juts that he "wanted to see" if he was bobbling the ball. Gee Mike, we're all curious about it, but is it really worth a timeout just to satisfy your curiosity? As Gwen Knapp of the Chronicle pointed out in her column on the game, replays are for sure things, not wild guesses -- especially ones in the 1st half, since wrong ones automatically coast you the bonus 3rd challenge you may need late in the game.
THE... WAIT, WHAT? REALLY?
So, down to one challenge, his timeouts dwindling, and behind in the game, Nolan decided to make history with his final challenge. Not only would he waste it on a good call -- a call that had no chance of being over-turned -- he actually wasted it on a call which was not eligible to be challenged. He challenged a made field goal which, while it did appear may have missed, only put his team down by 7 points with plenty of time left. His team was still in it, they needed their timeouts (especially since they waste so many -- and they quickly did just that, wasting their last one), might've needed that last challenge (they almost did), and the call in question was made by an official who had a better angle on the play than any replay did.
Nolan tried his best to slough this off on any number of other reasons -- he shouldn't have been allowed to challenge (this is kind of like the drunk driver blaming the bartender for not taking his keys), there should be a sign to give coaches whether kicks are low enough (below the uprights) to be challenged, there should be better TV angles on kicks to make it easier to challenge, and he's still not sure the call was right. Never mind the fact that he's clearly not sure about the challenge rules, never mind the fact he didn't mention any of these loopholes when the new challenge rules were instated during the off-season, never mind the shifting of blame, this was an indefensible move based solely on the game situation.
In short, Mike Nolan is the worst challenger since the space shuttle. What? Too soon?
So, what does Nolan say about all this in the press conference? The typical coach speak about having to get better ("And that includes the coaching staff") cliches? Nope. The "Pin this one on me, I lost this game" bravado that might win him some fans in the locker room? No siree. At least a token "We'll have to look into our challenge system" BS. Nuh-uh. Just more patented Nolan Denial. Why not, that's what he does best.
I've said it before and I'll say it again -- the Niners cannot become a good team until they have a good head coach. That man is not named Mike Nolan.
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